John Wooden Spends 99th Birthday at His Favorite Strip Club

Basketball coaching legend John Wooden may have turned 99 today, but that didn't stop him from celebrating the way a virile man half his age — or even one-fifth his age — might celebrate: by hitting up his favorite strip club.
"Woooo! Making it rain!" Wooden cried out as he tossed two dollar bills and 50-cent pieces on a stripper giving him a lap dance as Jay-Z's "99 Problems" blasted in the background. "There's a pyramid of success up in my pants!"
Wooden spent the afternoon at Leggs Bar in Burbank, Calif., a strip club he calls his favorite of the hundreds in and around Los Angeles.
"When you're alive for almost a century, you get to a lot of strip clubs," said Wooden. "And this one is the best. A, it's all nude. B, they let you touch. C, they have a great buffet. And D, they have free caramels. I love caramels."
The staff at Leggs were, of course, honored to have the legend choose their establishment on his special day.
"John Wooden! Wow!" said dancer Kandi Diamond (real name Deb Kinsmeister). "I think I was in a porno a few years ago with a John Wood. Is this the same guy? The scene called for me to get it from behind, so I never saw the guy's face. He looks pretty bad. Is he sick? He didn't give me AIDS, did he?"
Dancer Delicious Smith, a young Russian girl born Katarina Malachev, said she is not familiar with Wooden, but found him to be nice.
"He didn't hit me," said Smith. "He the nicest man I ever meet."
Wooden said he had a great time at Leggs and hopes to be back next year to celebrate his 100th birthday. And as for those who might criticize the legend for frequenting strip clubs, Wooden says they are misguided.
"I will not apologize for appreciating the beautiful creation that is the female body," he said. "And how does no one realize that my so-called 'pyramid of success' is actually shaped like a breast?"