Handicapper: NFL Week 7

1:00 p.m. ET
San Francisco at Houston (-3)
Michael Crabtree signed an incentive-laden deal with the 49ers. Many people ripped the contract, saying Crabtree could never meet most of the benchmarks. Foolish! Crabtree and his agent knew the Texans' secondary was on the schedule. He could be set for life by the middle of the third quarter.
My pick: San Francisco (and to win)
Green Bay at Cleveland (+7)
This year the Browns have been hit by swine flu. Last year it was staph infections. Hey, Browns, we get it that you're going to crap your pants out on the field every week. But at least dispose of them in a hygienic way. Your locker room has become a den of disease.
My pick: Green Bay***
San Diego at Kansas City (+5)
Norv Turner doesn't get any respect. And rightfully so, of course. He's horrible. But in all the attention being paid to Jim Zorn in Washington, NO ONE is mentioning how Zorn is stealing Turner's bit. Getting nothing out of a talented roster? Snyder was doing that routine 15 years ago in DC. Zorn is a hack. Come up with your own material, ZORN! (Although Sherman Lewis will have to deliver it for you now.)
My pick: San Diego
Indianapolis at St. Louis (+13)
And, once again, it's time to share with you footage from the St. Louis Rams highlights DVD. Enjoy.

My pick: Indianapolis
Minnesota at Pittsburgh (-5.5)
I have noticed that announcers are now referring to Ben Roethlisberger as a "gunslinger." I'm not sure if that is a compliment. But I do know that it means this week's game is a duel between our nation's top old gunslinger and top young gunslinger. It's like the Wild West. Women of Pittsburgh, hike up your cleavage, step out of the saloon and watch the duel.
Except for you:

There were saloons and brothels in the Old West. Not buffets.
My pick: Minnesota
New England at Tampa Bay (+14.5)
This counts as a home game for the Buccaneers even though it's being played in London. But if you've ever visited London and Tampa, you know there are many similarities between the two cities. For one, they are both located on water. And the second similarity is that neither city has an NFL franchise.
My pick: New England***
4:05 p.m. ET
New York Jets at Oakland (+6)
After they knocked off the Eagles last week, don't be surprised if the Raiders beat the Jets this week. You see, JaMarcus Russell hates green teams. They remind him of vegetables.
My pick: Oakland
Buffalo at Carolina (-7)
On the debut UFL game a few weeks ago, I saw a Las Vegas fan holding up a sign that read: "Hey Buffalo: Got JP? We do!" I thought they were being ironic. Perhaps not.
My pick: Carolina
4:15 p.m. ET
Chicago at Cincinnati (-1)
Cedric Benson says he was blackballed by the Bears after they cut him. The Bears deny it. I don't know. The Bears OFFICIAL records say that he only averaged 3.7 yards a carry over three seasons, and never ran for more than 674 yards in season. Pretty damning, if you ask me. How was Benson supposed to get another job with the Bears putting stuff like that out there?
My pick: Chicago (and to win)
Atlanta at Dallas (-4)
The Cowboys are 29-2 all-time when coming off a bye, so that's an encouraging sign for them in this game. No, that's actually not true. I just like to tell Cowboys fans fake things that will encourage them, only to then just remind them that their team is not very good and that they're stuck with a more famous version of Jake Delhomme for the foreseeable future. It puts a smile on my face. And I'm not at all ashamed of that.
My pick: Atlanta (and to win)
New Orleans at Miami (+6.5)
Fergie is now an owner of the Dolphins. Glad to see she put the money she earned from that DirecTV commercial to good use. Was it wise for Fergie to trade her last remaining shred of artistic credibility for money from a TV provider and ownership in the Dolphins? You better believe it. Think of all the new song possibilities.
My lumps, my lumps, my lovely Parcells lumps.

My pick: New Orleans***
8:20 p.m. ET
Arizona at New York Giants (-7)
Just a programming note: the usual Sunday Night Football intro with Faith Hill is being scratched in place of Eli Manning singing the Pull-Ups jingle to his former mentor: "Mr. War-ner … WOW! I'm a big kid now!" Should be memorable.
My pick: Arizona
Monday night
Philadelphia at Washington (+7)
For the first time this season — and we're in Week 7 — the Redskins have to play a team that's not winless. Although the Eagles just lost to the Raiders. So they pretty much have the look and feel of a winless team. Let's just say the Redskins are playing an NFL record seventh consecutive winless team, but put an asterisk beside it.
My pick: Philadelphia

Last week vs. spread: 8-6
Last week just winners: 11-3
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Season vs. spread: 49-40
Season just winners: 65-24
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***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-0
***Lukewarm Locks season: 6-7