Handicapper: NFL Week 5

1:00 p.m. ET
Pittsburgh at Detroit (+10.5)
Every time you hear during this game that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit, take a shot. (Of mayonnaise. Because you'd die if you took shots of alcohol every time that's mentioned. And, well … you know. Jerome Bettis is kind of a big man. Mayo is his drink of choice. Mayo on the rocks.)
My pick: Pittsburgh
Oakland at New York Giants (-14.5)
Eli Manning is listed as "Questionable (heel)." Actually, that's not true. He's officially listed as "Questionable (a-boo-baa-baa-ooo-heely-hurty-wid-da-widdle-aboo-a-baa-boo-boo-ooh-aaaah-oozies)."
My pick: New York Giants
Cleveland at Buffalo (-6)
I'm not an expert on such things, but I think the Braylon Edwards trade may signal that the Browns are giving up on winning the Super Bowl this year.
My pick: Cleveland
Dallas at Kansas City (+8)
Tony Romo might be without one of his weapons this week. Wide receiver Roy Williams is listed as: "Questionable (ribs)." Don't confuse this with the standard listing given to former Cowboys safety Roy Williams: "Overweight (ribs)."
My pick: Dallas***
Minnesota at St. Louis (+10)
Brett Favre will turn 40 on Saturday. This is officially middle age, when many men go through a phase where they crave attention and make selfish decisions. I sure hope this doesn't happen to the great Brett Favre.
My pick: Minnesota***
Cincinnati at Baltimore (-8.5)
Good luck not vomiting while watching these two teams run around on your screen.

Also, their uniforms are ghastly.
My pick: Baltimore
Washington at Carolina (-4)
In these tough economic times, maybe the Redskins and Panthers can save money on electricity by holding a joint press conference after the game to fire their coaches.
My pick: Carolina
Tampa Bay at Philadelphia (-15)
Donovan McNabb is back this week and … whoops. Now he's hurt again.
My pick: Philadelphia
4:05 p.m. ET
Atlanta at San Francisco (-2.5)
Okay, we're into the 4 o'clock games. I think that's enough time for me to have waited to start gloating about how awesome I am. 13-1 picking winners last week? 9-5 against the spread? 45-17 and 34-28 on the season? I. AM. AWESOME. Realize this fact. You know, soon Mike Singletary might replace his cross necklace with a pendant containing a picture of me. (For the record: that is not sacrilegious. I can't find one reference in the Bible about Jesus giving advice on betting on NFL games. Trust me. I've looked. Most years my prognosticating is not nearly this stupendous and I get pretty desperate.)
My pick: San Francisco
4:15 p.m. ET
Jacksonville at Seattle (NL)
There is still no line for this game. That could be because Matt Hasselbeck is a gametime decision. Or it could be because many Vegas bookmakers are from Jacksonville and don't care about the Jaguars.
My pick: TK
Houston at Arizona (-5.5)
The Cardinals will be rested coming off of a bye week. Of course, a bye week is sort of a Catch-22 for the Cardinals. For someone as old as Kurt Warner, it just means he's a week closer to death.
My pick: Arizona
New England at Denver (+3)
In the picture at the top of this article, you see Josh McDaniels telling Tom Brady: "Look, Tom, how about you not act like such an obnoxious prick? You realize I can take anyone, even a crap quarterback like Kyle Orton, and have him put up big numbers? Do you? I created you, Tom. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be banging a supermodel or wearing $5,000 hats or appearing on the cover of glossy goat magazines. You would be nothing more than a game manager with a butt chin. Don't forget that. I gave you a 50 TD season. That was my gift. My gift to you out of the goodness of my heart. And if I ever leave here, your numbers will never get even close to that. Not … even … close. Remember who's pulling your strings. It's me. Now get out of my sight and go throw it way up in the air to Moss."
My pick: New England
8:20 p.m. ET
Indianapolis at Tennessee (+3.5)
Peyton, I see your commercials. And, really, I'd love to get DirecTV so I wouldn't miss any of your games. ONLY THEY'RE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION EVERY #@!%ING WEEK! I actually wish there was a satellite service that would allow me to see you less.
My pick: Indianapolis***
Monday night
New York Jets at Miami (+1.5)
Last week's Favrefest was the highest-rated program in cable television history. Can this game match that? Uh, no. Unless maybe they write into the episode Favre getting married, having a baby, or being murdered. I know which one I prefer. (No, not Favre getting murdered. I'm not evil. It's a baby. I prefer the baby episode. BABIES ARE ADORABLE! And then they should murder the baby.)
My pick: Miami (and to win)

Last week vs. spread: 9-5
Last week just winners: 13-1
- – – – -
Season vs. spread: 34-28
Season just winners: 45-17
- – – – -
***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-0
***Lukewarm Locks season: 4-6


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