1:00 p.m. ET
Pittsburgh at Detroit (+10.5)
Every time you hear during this game that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit, take a shot. (Of mayonnaise. Because you'd die if you took shots of alcohol every time that's mentioned. And, well you know. Jerome Bettis is kind of a big man. Mayo is his drink of choice. Mayo on the rocks.)
My pick: Pittsburgh
Oakland at New York Giants (-14.5)
Eli Manning is listed as "Questionable (heel)." Actually, that's not true. He's officially listed as "Questionable (a-boo-baa-baa-ooo-heely-hurty-wid-da-widdle-aboo-a-baa-boo-boo-ooh-aaaah-oozies)."
My pick: New York Giants
Cleveland at Buffalo (-6)
I'm not an expert on such things, but I think the Braylon Edwards trade may signal that the Browns are giving up on winning the Super Bowl this year.
My pick: Cleveland
Dallas at Kansas City (+8)
Tony Romo might be without one of his weapons this week. Wide receiver Roy Williams is listed as: "Questionable (ribs)." Don't confuse this with the standard listing given to former Cowboys safety Roy Williams: "Overweight (ribs)."
My pick: Dallas***
Minnesota at St. Louis (+10)
Brett Favre will turn 40 on Saturday. This is officially middle age, when many men go through a phase where they crave attention and make selfish decisions. I sure hope this doesn't happen to the great Brett Favre.
My pick: Minnesota***
Cincinnati at Baltimore (-8.5)
Good luck not vomiting while watching these two teams run around on your screen.
Also, their uniforms are ghastly.
My pick: Baltimore
Washington at Carolina (-4)
In these tough economic times, maybe the Redskins and Panthers can save money on electricity by holding a joint press conference after the game to fire their coaches.
My pick: Carolina
Tampa Bay at Philadelphia (-15)
Donovan McNabb is back this week and whoops. Now he's hurt again.
My pick: Philadelphia
4:05 p.m. ET
Atlanta at San Francisco (-2.5)
Okay, we're into the 4 o'clock games. I think that's enough time for me to have waited to start gloating about how awesome I am. 13-1 picking winners last week? 9-5 against the spread? 45-17 and 34-28 on the season? I. AM. AWESOME. Realize this fact. You know, soon Mike Singletary might replace his cross necklace with a pendant containing a picture of me. (For the record: that is not sacrilegious. I can't find one reference in the Bible about Jesus giving advice on betting on NFL games. Trust me. I've looked. Most years my prognosticating is not nearly this stupendous and I get pretty desperate.)
My pick: San Francisco
4:15 p.m. ET
Jacksonville at Seattle (NL)
There is still no line for this game. That could be because Matt Hasselbeck is a gametime decision. Or it could be because many Vegas bookmakers are from Jacksonville and don't care about the Jaguars.
My pick: TK
Houston at Arizona (-5.5)
The Cardinals will be rested coming off of a bye week. Of course, a bye week is sort of a Catch-22 for the Cardinals. For someone as old as Kurt Warner, it just means he's a week closer to death.
My pick: Arizona
New England at Denver (+3)
In the picture at the top of this article, you see Josh McDaniels telling Tom Brady: "Look, Tom, how about you not act like such an obnoxious prick? You realize I can take anyone, even a crap quarterback like Kyle Orton, and have him put up big numbers? Do you? I created you, Tom. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be banging a supermodel or wearing $5,000 hats or appearing on the cover of glossy goat magazines. You would be nothing more than a game manager with a butt chin. Don't forget that. I gave you a 50 TD season. That was my gift. My gift to you out of the goodness of my heart. And if I ever leave here, your numbers will never get even close to that. Not even close. Remember who's pulling your strings. It's me. Now get out of my sight and go throw it way up in the air to Moss."
My pick: New England
8:20 p.m. ET
Indianapolis at Tennessee (+3.5)
Peyton, I see your commercials. And, really, I'd love to get DirecTV so I wouldn't miss any of your games. ONLY THEY'RE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION EVERY #@!%ING WEEK! I actually wish there was a satellite service that would allow me to see you less.
My pick: Indianapolis***
New York Jets at Miami (+1.5)
Last week's Favrefest was the highest-rated program in cable television history. Can this game match that? Uh, no. Unless maybe they write into the episode Favre getting married, having a baby, or being murdered. I know which one I prefer. (No, not Favre getting murdered. I'm not evil. It's a baby. I prefer the baby episode. BABIES ARE ADORABLE! And then they should murder the baby.)
My pick: Miami (and to win)
Last week vs. spread: 9-5
Last week just winners: 13-1
– – –
Season vs. spread: 34-28
Season just winners: 45-17
– – –
***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-0
***Lukewarm Locks season: 4-6
Handicapper: NFL Week 5
1:00 p.m. ET