Handicapper: NFL Week 4

1:00 p.m. ET
Detroit at Chicago (-10)
Congratulations, Chicago — you didn't get the Olympics, but you are getting the Detroit Lions. Not a bad trade really.
My pick: Chicago
Oakland at Houston (-8.5)
Stop staring, JaMarcus Russell. It's rude. Also, the defensive back read your eyes and intercepted your pass a good 30 seconds ago. You have to get off the field. Come on. Play is resuming.
My pick: Houston
Tampa Bay at Washington (-7.5)
What a tough stretch of the schedule for the Redskins. No, not that they've had the Rams, Lions and Buccaneers right in a row. Of course not. That's easy. I mean that their schedule includes the Redskins every week but they are the only team in the league who never gets to play them. That's too bad. Because the Redskins suck most of all. I bet even the Redskins could give him a game. Wait. Now I'm starting to get confused.
My pick: Washington
Seattle at Indianapolis (-10.5)
Matt Hasselbeck is back for the Seahawks this week. Last Sunday he was out with acute not-wanting-to-look-like-a-buffoon-by-wearing-those-ridiculous-jerseys.
My pick: Indianapolis
New York Giants at Kansas City (+8.5)
Every report I've seen this week about the Chiefs trading Tyler Thigpen to the Dolphins says that in return they received "an undisclosed 2010 draft pick." Not true. While the specific pick isn't yet known, the player will be terrible because he will have been drafted by the Chiefs. Steal by the Dolphins.
My pick: New York Giants
Baltimore at New England (-1.5)
This will be an interesting game to gauge two teams I don't think are as good as their records. Although, if they're both not as good as their records, I'm not going to learn anything from this game will I? Oh, well. I guess I'll just watch this game for entertainment purposes and hope they both lose.
My pick: New England
Cincinnati at Cleveland (+6)
The Bengals upset the Steelers last week giving Ben Roethlisberger his first-ever loss in Ohio. Interestingly, the Browns have never won in Ohio. Too bad they're based there.
My pick: Cincinnati
Tennessee at Jacksonville (+3)
Everyone wants to know what's wrong with the Titans. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-ooh! Pick me! Pick me! Yes, I just wanted to say that they were never all that good in the first place. Okay, thanks for calling on me. Feel free to continue with your lesson.
My pick: Jacksonville (and to win)
4:05 p.m. ET
Buffalo at Miami (+1)
Since Dan Marino retired after the 1999 season, the Dolphins starting quarterbacks have been Jay Fiedler (5 years), A.J. Feeley (1 year), Gus Frerotte (1 year), Joey Harrington (1 year), Cleo Lemon (1 year) and Chad Pennington (1 year). And now it's Chad Henne's job. What does this tell us? That five different quarterbacks have failed to fill Jay Fiedler's shoes. Wow.
My pick: Miami (and to win)
New York Jets at New Orleans (-7)
This trip to New Orleans is going to get a bit awkward when love-struck members of the New York media start asking Rex Ryan to show them his tits.
My pick: New York Jets
Dallas at Denver (+3)
Josh McDaniels has silenced his critics. Apparently his critics weren't smart enough to look at the Broncos' schedule and see that they opened with the Bengals, Browns and Raiders. Do your research, critics!
My pick: Dallas
St. Louis at San Francisco (-9.5)
Before we all jump on San Francisco's bandwagon, let's remember that their quarterback is still Shaun Hill. Plus, this is San Francisco. That's not a bandwagon. It's a Gay Pride float.
My pick: San Francisco
8:20 p.m. ET
San Diego at Pittsburgh (-6.5)
In the past week, Steelers 2008 2nd Round draft pick Limas Sweed dropped a game-winning touchdown pass and was benched. And 2008 1st Round draft pick Rashard Mendenhall was benched for not knowing any plays or his assignments. This is part of the reason why players love playing for Mike Tomlin so much. None of his crappy draft picks will ever take your job.
My pick: San Diego
Monday night
Green Bay at Minnesota (-3)
We are the person in the wood chipper. Brett Favre is the tall guy. And Aaron Rodgers can be Frances McDormand.

My pick: Minnesota
Byes: Arizona, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Carolina

Last week vs. spread: 10-6
Last week just winners: 12-4
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Season vs. spread: 25-23
Season just winners: 32-16
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***Lukewarm Locks last week: 2-0
***Lukewarm locks season: 4-6