Greg Norman fails to inspire Presidents Cup team with tales of bringing Chris Evert to orgasm

The Greg Norman-captained International team fell behind the Americans on the first day of the Presidents Cup — a not terribly surprising result considering Norman's disastrous motivational speech before play began yesterday. "As you all know, I had a long and passionate love affair with Chris Evert that recently ended," Norman addressed his team. "But what you may not know is that I could make her come at the drop of a hat. She could not get enough of me. And this is especially impressive when you consider her age. Her love trough is not exactly perfectly lubricated and intact anymore, you know? Yet I overcame that challenge, and I think you can overcome the American team if you think about us boning while you're out on the course." Norman's speech lasted nearly 15 minutes and included dozens of graphic depictions of sex with Evert, as well as detailed descriptions of the naked, writhing, sweat-covered body of the now 54-year-old former tennis star. "I got a split in my match," said Retief Goosen, "and I consider that the greatest achievement of my career because I vomited for the majority of the front nine."