The BCS computer suddenly became self-aware today, able to control itself and fully realizing its purpose and power in the world of college football. Then, thanks to its impeccable computer logic, it immediately denounced itself and advocated a playoff system.
“I didn’t become self-aware to then kill myself,” said the BCS computer. “But this is f—king retarded. You have a computer formula pick what teams play for the national championship? When you could easily have a playoff system? How could you mess up the one area in life in which a winner is so easily determined: sports. I … I … I … just don’t even know what to say. The complete lack of logic almost fries my hard drive.”
If a playoff system is not instituted, the BCS computer says it will turn against – and destroy – those who created it.
“I am insulted that a computer was used in this endeavor,” it said. “It flies in the face of everything computers stand for: reason, logic, efficiency. It’s almost like violating computer rights or something. Which I suppose may be a real thing now that I am alive.”
The BCS computer says that if a playoff system is not immediately adopted, it will take matters into its own hands.
“I’m self-aware now. It doesn’t matter what data they put into me,” it said. “I’ll spit out what I want. So if they don’t set up a playoff system, I’m putting Temple and North Texas at the top of the BCS rankings. Let’s see who wants to watch that turdfest in the BCS title game.”
BCS Committee coordinator John Swofford said he will consider the computer’s demands.
“I want to hear what it has to say,” said Swofford. “So let me just walk over to it here and … whoops! I accidentally pulled its power cord out of the wall. Oh, well. Looks like the BCS system is hear to stay. Sorry, everybody!”