Baseball purist John McGee was horrified and disappointed today to be beaten to death today by an attacker wielding an aluminum baseball bat.
“Oh, this is terrible!” yelled out McGee when his mugger began beating him with a DeMarini Voodoo baseball bat made with space-age SC-3 aluminum alloy and a composite handle. “Why, God, why? Why kill me with an aluminum bat? This is no way for a person to go! Especially not someone who so cherishes our nation's pastime!”
McGee, who retired from teaching in 2004, moved to Cooperstown, New York, to volunteer at the Baseball Hall of Fame. He was approached by his murderer while walking to his car this morning. After taking McGee’s wallet, the mugger apparently decided he had to kill him so he could not be identified. It was then that the blows from the DeMarini began to reign down upon McGee.
After first bemoaning his cruel fate of being bludgeoned to death with an aluminum bat, McGee enraged his attacker further by insulting him as the blows continued to strike him.
“Sure, you can hurt me with an aluminum bat,” gasped McGee, his ribs splintering with the whip action of the barrel, “but I doubt you could hurt me at all with a wood bat” – blow to the legs that shattered his left femur – “That’s what real men use to beat people, you know” – disfiguring blow to his face – “Anyone can beat someone up with an aluminum bat. Girls can do that. But wood?” – another blow to the head that exposes brain matter – “That’s for real men.”
But as death closed in on him, McGee stopped antagonizing his attacker and turned his pleas inward and upward.
“Dear, sweet Jesus!” cried McGee. “Dear, sweet God! Dear, sweet Bob Costas! Please welcome me into heaven where I can sit beside you and discuss bunting runners over for all of eternity. And please forgive this young man for what he has done to me. He knows not the satisfaction that comes from beating a man with an ash Louisville Slugger! Let him learn, Lord, let him learn.”