HOW TO PLAY WINNING DRUNK GOLF, by Tiger Woods
Tip #1 — Don't hit the middle ball; hit all the balls — When Rocky Balboa was so punch drunk that he saw three Ivan Dragos, Paulie told him to hit the middle one. Not so when being liquor drunk and playing golf. You want to imagine you are hitting all three balls that you see. This will keep your swing in perfect plane at impact and follow-through, preventing a nasty hook or slice.
Tip #2 — Simplify your swing thoughts — Anyone who has played golf knows that you can have a thousand thoughts going through your head as you stand over the ball. Whereas when you're playing your best golf, your thoughts are pure, simple. Therefore … Helloooooo, alcohol! Have a six-pack before your 9:00 a.m. tee time and you won't have a single thought in your head.
Tip #3 — Learn the slope of the green — Putting is all about pace and reading the break. Being drunk allows you to read the break perfectly. Just puke all over the green and watch which way your vomit liquid runs. Now putt along that line. (And, yes, golf rules allow you to pick up and remove the chunks in your path. Loophole!)
Tip #4 — Crap — I'm sorry. I can't remember Tip #4 right now. I am so wasted.
Tip #5 — Forget your bad shots and move on— Done. I don't even know what course I'm on. Am I wearing pants?
Tip #6 — Shoot for the flag — You're drunk. You have nothing to lose. And that flag looks kind of like a drink umbrella, doesn't it? What if there's cranberry and vodka in the cup? Better get there fast before someone else drinks it! And tell your caddie to bring a straw.
Tip #7 — Get inside your opponents head — Golf is a game of manners and decorum. Well, it was until you showed up. Douchebags like Mickelson don't know what to do when you burp in their backswing or puke in their golf bag. It throws them way off their game. Ooops! I just tripped and fell into his driver and snapped it in half. My bad, dickweed!
Tip #9 — What do you mean I skipped #8? — Shaddup you figrn jurk.
Tip #10 — Use your lack of inhibition to your advantage — Cheat your ass off. Drop balls wherever you want. (LOL. Balls.) Just cheat. Who cares. You don't. You're wasted.