The President’s letter to the IOC in support of the Chicago 2016 Olympic effort

In a last ditch effort to curry support for Chicago's bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, President Obama recently sent a letter to targeted IOC members. SportsPickle has obtained a copy of the first draft. The final copy is bolded.
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Dear IOC:
I deeply appreciate the tremendous work of the Olympic Movement and wish to convey my strong support for Chicago 2016.
Around the world, from Kenya to Hawaii, sports play a vital role in filling athletic young people with hope — young people who are fans of the Chicago Cubs excluded — providing a foundation for respect, and leading nations toward greater friendship* and excellence. (Please don't quote me on that last part, as my critics will try to say I am advocating a one-world government.)
*Just think: the modern Olympics have been around for a little more than 100 years and there haven't been ANY wars since then. LOL!
I have seen the transformative power of the Olympic Games to unite men and women (or even man-women … hello, Caster Semanya! LOL) across all boundaries, and I hold the missions of the Olympic Movement in the highest esteem. For this reason, all requisite bribes to the IOC and IOC officials for the Chicago 2016 effort will come from parties outside the White House.
That is why I have been committed to Chicago 2016 since the launch of the bid in 2006. The City of Chicago is designed to host global celebrations — we had a WORLD Series parade recently! — and it will deliver a spectacular experience for one and all — excluding, hopefully, terrorists. However, it is not the quality of the setting or the experience alone that compels me to recommend Chicago to you. And let me be perfectly clear: it is the City of Chicago we are talking about, not Illinois. Don't let what you've heard about Illinois — most of it probably true — sway your decision. Chicago is way nicer.
I also believe that Chicago 2016 offers the United States (U-S-A! U-S-A!) and the International Olympic Committee a unique chance to collaborate on sport development and build a better future for young people everywhere. As President, I see the 2016 Olympic and Paralympic Games (<—- feel free to host these elsewhere) as an extraordinary opportunity for America to renew our bonds of friendship and imperialism and welcome the world to our shores with open arms, preceded, of course, by extensive paperwork and body cavity searches at security checkpoints at customs.
If you honor Chicago with your selection, we will ensure that the Olympic and Paralympic Games (<—- again, I'm not big on the Special Olympians, so no problem if you want to send this elsewhere) are a key priority to our Nation. We have already established a White House Office of Olympic, Paralympic and Youth Sport to serve the Games, and you can count on our government to support Chicago's quest to host an unforgettable event (prospective Opening Ceremonies speaker: Ozzie Guillen! He can say F—K in 14 different languages!) and strengthen the Olympic Movement.
As a member of the International Olympic Committee, the work you do is invaluable to all of us who are committed to building a better world via Hope-n-Change and all that crap. Thank you for your enduring contributions to youth sport and the Olympic Movement. I believe we have an historic opportunity to do great things together, and I look forward to discussing that opportunity with you, if not in Copenhagen, then soon thereafter if Chicago is your choice. But preferably in Copenhagen because, well … have you ever been to the Alexandria section? Good times there, my friends. Good time. That would go a long way towards taking the edge off the toughest job in the world, you know?
President Barack Obama
PS – Don't forget: we still have the bomb. A lot of them. And if that doesn't frighten you, I will send Michelle to personally f—k you up. I'm not joking. You know she could.