Curt Schilling says he has interest in running for the vacant U.S. Senate seat from Massachusetts.
Here are the former pitcher’s positions on the major issues of the day.
Health Care: “Government-run health care is bad for our country. I believe most any physical ailment can be fixed with a nice, thick, absorptive sock.”
Economy: “I believe in the free market and that the government should not interfere. It would be great if teachers and fire fighters and police officers got paid more. But that’s not how the system works. You don’t get compensated solely for what you contribute to society. For example, the free market allowed me to make a whole buttload of money for being a pitcher. Score!”
Defense: “The stuff I can do in World Of Warcraft is friggin’ sweet. We should do that. Suck on these fireballs, Bin Laden!”
Legalization Of Drugs: “I am against the use of illegal drugs. But this is not really the area of my expertise. As I told Congress, I have never seen anyone take illegal drugs, especially not during my playing career. (LOL!)”
Environment: “I’ll tell you what was a great environment: Yankee Stadium, Game 7, 2004 ALCS. That place was totally quiet. It was AWESOME! If we could recreate that environment everywhere, the world would be a better place. But not via cap-and-trade.”
Gay Marriage: “I am against it. I don’t think gay people exist, to be honest. I played major league baseball for 20 years with a lot of fit, good-looking guys. And not one of them said they were gay. Out of thousands of players! So if none of them are gay, no one else is either.”
Education: “More needs to be done. The younger generation is falling behind. I’ve seen it myself. Do you know that many rookie pitchers today don’t know you want to throw a slider outside of the zone if you go up 0-2 on a hitter? That’s f—king sad, man. They know that in Japan, I bet.”
Foreign Policy: “Don’t pay $50 million to have lunch with Daisuke Matsuzaka. He’s not worth it. Beyond that, I want to focus more on domestic issues. Although I would like to lift any existing tariffs on foreign hair gels.”
Technology/Infrastructure: “I support major investments into upgrading our existing technological infrastructure. I get so pissed when my Internet connection goes down or gets slow when I’m blogging or playing video games online. Just last week, I was about to cut this guy’s head off, and my internet connection went down. I won’t let that happen again as senator. That is my solemn vow to the people of Massachusetts.”