NFL Week 3: Winners and Losers

We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?
1. Joe Namath – Mark Sanchez keeps getting compared to you. Here's the only thing: Mark Sanchez appears to be good, whereas you pretty much sucked except for that one year you got drunk and guaranteed a Super Bowl victory. Look at your career win-loss record: 62-63-4. Career completion percentage: 50.1. Career touchdowns to interceptions: 173 to 220. If Mark Sanchez truly is the "next Joe Namath," as everyone is saying, the Jets should just go ahead and cut him now. Or, Joe Namath, you could keep encouraging this comparison, because you're the one benefitting from it. No crap quarterback has had his legacy edited so greatly since Olivia Manning squeezed out a couple of misproportioned Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers– After scoring on a six-yard run in the first quarter against the Buccaneers, Giants RB Brandon Jacobs pointed at the Tampa Bay sideline and then simulated having sex with the ball. I don't know if any of the Tampa Bay players are gay, but it's still probably flattering to know that Brandon Jacobs wants to do it with them.
3. Terrell Owens — No catches for the first time in 185 games. Who cares. When you respond to Rodney Harrison criticizing you on NBC by calling him out for being a 'roid head, you are a winner.
4. Jim Zorn – He lost to the Lions. So what? He's going to get fired. So what? Jim Zorn has become immortal. ZORN is the new ZING, at least when it comes to football. Want to deliver a one-liner about your friend's favorite team? Emphasize it with a ZORN! "Hey, Jeff, Cedric Benson barreled through there like a runaway boat. ZORN!" Vince Lombardi won't live on like this. ZORN makes people laugh. You yell out LOMBARDI and people are going to think you want them to run laps. Advantage: Jim Zorn.
5. Detroit Lions fans — Look who was kind enough to sign autographs before the game! Why, it's Mr. Tom Cruise! A real celebrity! In Detroit! Not like one of those fake non-celebrities like Kid Rock. Pretty cool. Here he is writing to the kid in the Lions jersey: "Kid, I don't believe in mental illnesses. So what's with willfully wearing a Lions jersey? Not that Morgan Freeman over here in the Redskins jersey is any better. You need to cleanse your phaeton. — Weirdly, Tom Cruise."

1. Poor people — Ha-ha, poor people, you still are — and remain — LOSERS! Especially those of you in poverty in Detroit. Your football team won its first game since 2007 and did you see it? NO! YOU DIDN'T! Why? Because the game was blacked-out on television in Detroit because you didn't sell out the game. Why are you, the unemployed people of Detroit, not buying $100 tickets to watch an NFL team with a 19-game losing streak??? What is wrong with you people? Do you not know that Roger Goodell is trying to motivate you to stop being so poor! Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps! Or sell your bootstraps to get money for a ticket! What is wrong with you people???? I'll tell you what's wrong with you: you're POOR. And that makes you a LOSER!
2. Cleveland Browns — Only one offensive touchdown in the past nine games. That is almost impossible to comprehend. And thanks to his benching yesterday, the Brady Quinn Era appears to be over in Cleveland. Please pop your collars at half mast in memoriam.
3. Buffalo Bills — Congrats, thanks to a 25-yard touchdown pass in the second quarter that knotted the game with the Saints at 7-7, it appears you have finally found your quarterback of the future. Unfortunately, it was your punter who threw the pass. Still, though: best option.
4. Brett Favre — Good pass. Too bad everyone still hates you.
5. Seattle Seahawks — Nice costumes. No wonder the Northwest is full of so many crackpots. I'd want to join a militia and shoot the people responsible for this, too.