NFL Week 2: Winners and Losers

We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?
1. Tony Romo – Ha! And people said Tony Romo always stinks in December and January. Idiots! Tony Romo stinks all the time.
2. Eric Mangini – Once again, he has successfully hid an injury from the NFL, as it is now quite obvious that the majority of the Cleveland Browns roster is afflicted with serious mental and physical handicaps.
3. Tom Brady – Gisele confirmed last week that she is due in December. And, based on the Patriots first two games, it looks like the proud father won't have anything else on his schedule for the baby's first few months. Good for you, Gisom! You can go tiny hat shopping together with your baby every day!
4. Chris Johnson – Not a shabby stat line: 197 rushing yards, 2 TD; 87 receiving yards, 1 TD. Rushing, receiving … what's the other part of offense? Oh, right … passing. If only he could do that, too, the Titans might be half-decent.
5. Shannon Sharpe – He was inducted into the Denver Broncos Ring of Fame. Which, according to this picture, is some sort of Hall of Fame for horses. Congratulations, you pass-catching thoroughbred!

1. Jerry Jones – He got more than 100,000 people to the opener of the new Cowboys stadium. That's a good thing. But it was kind of like throwing a party for all of your friends and family and then having your wife get drunk and make out with a neighbor in front of everyone. Now everyone you know has first-hand knowledge that your wife's a whore. And now 100,000 people have first-hand knowledge that the Cowboys aren't very good.
2. Green Bay Packers – Not only did they lose at home to the Bengals — the Bengals!! — but they allowed Chad Ochocinco to do the Lambeau Leap into their stands. Unacceptable. Sure, you can say it wasn't Packers fans who allowed it to happen, it was Bengals fans in the first row. But this is where Packers fans screwed up. This is where they let their kindly, Midwestern nature get the best of them. In a city like Philadelphia or New York, local fans with some street smarts would have dressed up like Bengals fans as a trap. And, then, when Ochocinco saw them and jumped up at them … they would have shivved him in the stomach.
3. Jeff Feagles and Mat McBriar – Really? You couldn't punt one ball off of the Cowboys stadium video screens? Why do you think I stayed up so late watching that stupid game? To stare at Eli Manning's face all night? What — you don't have the leg to kick it that high? You two are pussies. Even for punters.
4. NFL officials – No horrific throwback outfits this week. Therefore, nothing to distract us from their suckery.
5. Jake Delhomme – Delhomme after Carolina's 28-20 loss to the Falcons:"It couldn't be any worse than last week. I felt good out there today. Last week, I put too much pressure on myself. This week, I got back to being just plain Jake." Plain Jake, huh? Well, unfortunately, even with Plain Jake the Panthers still lost and Plain Jake threw a costly interception in the final minutes of the game. You know, this Plain Jake reminds me a lot of Simple Jack.
simple-jack.jpg Simple Jack image by ProjekA