NFL Week 1: Winners and Losers

We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?
1. Larry Fitzgerald – You didn’t die or burst into flames. Suck on that, Madden. Troy Polamalu is just a wuss with (girlier) girl hair.
2. Brett Favre – Gunslingers don’t have to only shoot people from afar. A close-range shot is effective, too. Oftentimes more effective. If Favre can continue to turn around and gunsling the ball directly into Adrian Peterson’s hands – and never ever gunsling it down the field – the Vikings might be halfway decent. If that’s not risky enough for Favre, perhaps he can consider Peterson’s arms to be double coverage.
3. Twitter – Did Jake Delhomme or Jay Cutler throw another interception? Just ReTweet the last time you Tweeted “Delhomme picked” or “Another Cutler turnover.” Communicating has never been quicker or easier!
4. Drew Brees – Nice start to the season: 6 TDs. Here’s a Brees Fun Fact for you: When his facial mole beacon glows dark brown, he is powered all the way up and can throw it the length of the field.
5. St. Louis Rams – Zero points. Way not to peak in September. Tony Romo and the Cowboys could learn something from the Rams. Is St. Louis my darkhorse Super Bowl pick? No way. More like my Super Bowl favorite.
1. Anthony Gonzalez – On the shelf for six weeks with a knee injury. That’s interesting. I had no idea that penises have knees.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers – You beat the Arizona Cardinals to win the Super Bowl? Oh, really impressive. Wow. Quite a feat. So what you’re saying is that you held a parade to celebrate beating … the Arizona Cardinals?Pathetic. Just sad.
3. Philadelphia Eagles – Donovan McNabb may miss a few weeks with a broken rib. More if Andy Reid tries to dip the rib into barbecue sauce and eat it.
4. Tony Dungy – Not a good start on NBC’s studio show. They dropped Jerome Bettis for this guy? Dungy’s unblinking eyes are wider than Bettis’ waist. He hypnotized me three times during one segment. He almost convinced me to watch Jay Leno’s new show.
5. Reggie Bush– The Saints offense exploded for 45 points against the Lions. Well, everyone except Bush exploded. He had 14 yards on 7 carries. He also had two fumbles. But, guess what! Bush has a sex tape! Nothing is more interesting than a video of a crap running back having sex. I still remember watching Lawrence Phillips f—k the Rams.