Handicapper: NFL Week 3

1:00 p.m. ET
Washington at Detroit (+6)
It seems every sportswriter is picking the Lions to win this game. Well, I would definitely not hope for such a thing. If the Lions finally win a game, who am I going to make fun of whenever I'm in a jam for material? I may as well just fold the site.
My pick: Washington
Green Bay at St. Louis (+6.5)
The Rams have looked absolutely horrendous in their first two games. But general manager Bill Devaney says he still has full confidence in head coach Steve Spagnuolo. Not that that's surprising. Devaney has always been a total spag hag.
My pick: Green Bay
San Francisco at Minnesota (-7)
Brett Favre could be in trouble this week going up against Mike Singletary and his giant cross. Assuming, of course, that Brett Favre is a vampire. I'm not big into vampires, but I know Favre can't be killed and that he's disgustingly pale. Also, I think vampires can transform into bats and I would like to beat Brett Favre with a bat. Pretty convincing, no?
My pick: San Francisco
Atlanta at New England (-4)
Speaking of vampires, the Falcons have a chance to really drive a steak through the heart of the Patriots in this game. And, yes, I meant "steak," not "stake." Well, to be honest, I misspelled it when I first wrote it, but I'm not going to go back and fix it because I don't care for my laptop judging me. And really, wouldn't it be cooler to watch someone get a steak shoved through their heart anyway? Yes. The answer is yes.
My pick: Atlanta
Tennessee at New York Jets (-3)
Last week Rex Ryan robo-called Jets fans and told them the team needed their loud support against the Patriots. The Jets won. Also last week, Jeff Fisher robo-called Titans fans and fist-pumped into the phone. The Titans lost. Lesson learned: vigorous fist-pumping just doesn't translate well over the phone.
My pick: New York Jets
Kansas City at Philadelphia (-9)
Ha-ha, Chiefs. You are picked to lose by 9 points to a team quarterbacked by Kevin Kolb. Ohhhhhhhhh, Vegas snap!
My pick: Philadelphia***
New York Giants at Tampa Bay (+6.5)
Tampa Bay's only hope in this game? Distract Eli Manning with their big, cartoonish pirate ship. "Ooh! Mommy, I want to play! Wheeeeee!"
My pick: New York Giants
Cleveland at Baltimore (-13)
It must suck for Cleveland to get crushed by the city that stole their team. But probably not as much as it sucks for Baltimore fans knowing that Peyton Manning now holds the Colts all-time record for touchdown passes and not Johnny Unitas. Suck it, Baltimore.
My pick: Baltimore***
Jacksonville at Houston (-3.5)
When it comes to my fantasy team, Steve Slaton has dropped his pants and crapped all over me. (You know, if you take away the word "team" from the preceding sentence, it really changes the meaning.)
My pick: Houston
4:05 p.m. ET
New Orleans at Buffalo (+6)
In an article on Friday in USA Today, Terrell Owens says he has been "unfairly criticized." I can't tell you much beyond that. Because, like most articles in USA Today, it was only two words long.
My pick: New Orleans
Chicago at Seattle (+2)
The Bears are coming off of a big win over the defending Super Bowl champions. If Jay Cutler can work through his celebration-induced hangover by Sunday evening (unlikely), I think they can make it two wins in a row.
My pick: Chicago
4:15 p.m. ET
Miami at San Diego (-6)
The Dolphins are desperate for a win after blowing Monday's night game to the Colts to fall to 0-2. If they can keep it close, I think they can win. Because late in the game you can always count on Norv Turner doing something like running a 4-inch, 11-ounce running back up the middle on 4th-and-2.
My pick: San Diego
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (+4)
The Bengals could easily be 2-0. And the Steelers could be 0-2. Or the Bengals could be 0-2 and the Steelers could be 2-0. Or, the final option: they both could be 1-1, as they currently are. Yay! Number permutations are fun! Tune in next week when we can do it all the way up to three! Awesome.
My pick: Pittsburgh
Denver at Oakland (+2)
JaMarcus Russell was 7-for-24 last week for 109 yards. And the Raiders won the game. For the season, he is 19-for-52 — a .352 percentage. If you fold the American Football Conference into the American League, Russell is currently 19 points below Joe Mauer.
My pick: Denver
8:20 p.m. ET
Indianapolis at Arizona (-2.5)
On the flip side, Kurt Warner was 27-for-29 last week. And the two he missed were just throwaways to Jesus as a tithe.
My pick: Arizona
Monday night
Carolina at Dallas (-8.5)
Jake Delhomme. Tony Romo. In primetime. With the whole nation watching. Brilliant bit of scheduling by ESPN. Think of all the ad dollars they'll bring in every time they go to commercial when a turnover causes a change of possession.
My pick: Carolina

Last week vs. spread: 9-7
Last week just winners: 9-7
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Season vs. spread: 15-17
Season just winners: 20-12
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***Lukewarm Locks last week: 2-3
***Lukewarm locks season: 2-6