Handicapper: NFL Week 2

1:00 p.m. ET
Houston at Tennessee (-6.5)
The Texans were the chic pick to go the playoffs this season, but then they went out on Week 1 and got routed at home by the Jets. Not surprising, because here's one thing that I know: most chic's know nothing about football. And another thing I know? Guys often aren't good at spelling.
My pick: Houston
Minnesota at Detroit (+10)
Did you see Adrian Peterson's stiff arm last week? Awesome. And he's not the only guy on the Vikings who can do that. When Brett Favre's rigor mortis sets in, he'll have two stiff arms.
My pick: Minnesota
Carolina at Atlanta (-6)
Jake Delhomme has 11 turnovers over his last seven quarters of play. However, it's all about context. If he was an NBA point guard instead of an NFL quarterback, that stat would make him merely bad instead of just mind-bogglingly awful.
My pick: Carolina
St. Louis at Washington (-9.5)
I'd say that that 99-percent of the time, Vegas sets lines where they think they can get the most action. But a few times a year they set a line to send a mocking message to a team. In this case it's: "Ha-ha! We think you're almost 10 points worse than the Washington Redskins." Ouch. Low blow, Vegas.
My pick: Washington
New England at New York Jets (+3.5)
The Jets sure seem pretty cocky over beating the Texans. They might want to learn their history. 173 years after The Alamo, Mexico is still pretty much a total sh!thole. In fact, you could call it the Jets of countries.
My pick: New England***
Oakland at Kansas City (-3)
Both teams showed some promise in Week 1. The Raiders narrowly lost to the Chargers and the Chiefs hung in tight with the Ravens on the road. Unfortunately, we all know they're still both going to suck. Have you ever seen a cute kid who has really ugly parents? You know the final outcome. The kid is going to be just as ghastly. He's just going through a brief phase of un-ugliness.
My pick: Oakland (and to win)
Cincinnati at Green Bay (-9)
I can't really say I'm all that high on Green Bay considering they barely won a game at home in which Jay Cutler threw four interceptions. They'll have to play better this week to win. Or, they can play worse and just wait until the final minutes for the Bengals to hand the game over to them in some hilarious manner. Personally, I prefer the latter.
My pick:Cincinnati
New Orleans at Philadelphia (+1)
Kevin Kolb is likely going to start at quarterback this week for the Eagles. And for your information, despite the spelling of his last name, it's actually pronounced … ahh, who cares, right? He's never going to play in an NFL game again. Why waste the brain space remembering this person's name.
My pick: New Orleans
Arizona at Jacksonville (-3)
Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver said this week that his team will consider drafting Tim Tebow. That can't feel like a vote of confidence for Jaguars quarterback David Garrard. I'm sorry — did I write Jaguars quarterback David Garrard? I meant Jaguars tight end Mercedes Lewis.
My pick: Arizona (and to win)***
4:05 p.m. ET
Tampa Bay at Buffalo (-5)
A loss like last week's Buffalo loss will take years off of a coach's life. Lucky for the Bills, Dick Jauron already is dead and appears to be some sort of mobile corpse. So those kind of losses don't really affect him.
My pick: Buffalo
Seattle at San Francisco (-1.5)
The 49ers open their schedule with back-to-back NFC West games. What a joke. Even a Big Ten team would think that's too easy.
My pick: Seattle (and to win)***
4:15 p.m. ET
Pittsburgh at Chicago (+3)
Well, if Troy Polamalu wasn't injured last week, he probably would have been this week. Returning five or six interceptions will do a number on your hamstrings.
My pick: Pittsburgh (and to win)***
Baltimore at San Diego (-3)
I tend to be tougher on Ray Lewis than most — most notably: the federal justice system — but it was pretty obvious last week that the guy has lost a step. He's going to need a longer knife for future stabbings so he can get more of a head start when fleeing the scene.
My pick: San Diego
Cleveland at Denver (-3)
Sorry. I take it back, San Francisco. Denver opens with both Ohio teams. They must have a former SEC official scheduling their games.
My pick: Denver***
8:20 p.m. ET
New York Giants at Dallas (-2.5)
The big question here isn't whether a punt will hit the scoreboard, it's whether an Eli Manning overthrow on a 5-yard screen pass can hit the scoreboard. (I say: yes.)
My pick: Dallas
Indianapolis at Miami (+3)
With Chad Pennington's opening week struggles, the Dolphins should let team owner Serena Williams do the gameplan: "RUN THE BALL DOWN THEIR F—KING THROATS!"
My pick: Indianapolis

Last week vs. spread: 6-10
Last week just winners: 11-5
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Season vs. spread: 6-10
Season just winners: 11-5
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***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-3
***Lukewarm locks season: 0-3