9 Steps for Bigger Biceps — by That Guy at the Gym

Many sports fans also are active individuals who like to stay in shape themselves.
So SportsPickle asked that guy at the gym to provide some tips for getting those bulging biceps you've always wanted.

This is totally cool. Thanks SportsPickle. It's about time I get some public credit for my kickass biceps.
Before I start off with my tips, let's make one thing clear: You people will probably never get biceps as kickass as mine. But I came up with 9 steps to help you get ones that might be almost as awesome.
Let's DO THIS!
Do away with those sleeves – You need a new wardrobe first. Buy only muscle shirts. Or, if you’re in a budget crunch and gym fees are sapping your cash flow, cut off all the sleeves of your t-shirts. Whatever you do, just don’t have sleeves, okay? Your guns need to see the light of day. If you want them to get big, you need to allow them to show themselves off. As motivation for them. Plus, keeping sleeves on your shirts sets limits on your pipes. Your only letting them grow to the current size of your sleeves. You want infinite growth. Sleeves are a not so subtle signal that you want to limit them. (Did I just say “subtle”? Whoa. That sounded so gay, man. I don’t know where that came from. Sorry.)
Open up a can of whoop ass on your ears – Biceps? Meet Godsmack. They are featured on my iPod this afternoon and they will be motivating your ass to some serious f—king size gains today. Wooooo! “I Stand Alone” is coming on. Time to get this workout ON.
Use talcum powder – It gives you a good grip. Rub it into your hands real good. Maybe nod or wink at some chick while you’re doing it. She’s turned on now. But you can hit that later. Now is not the time for pleasure. It's the time for PAIN.
Choose your weight – But how do I choose a good weight for me? Well, see the end of the dumbbell rack that has all the biggest dumbbells? You want to start your search down there. The other end of the rack is full of pussy weights. Now, pick up one of the biggest dumbbells you see. Let the weight hang down along the side of your body. Now, slowly try to lift the weight up, using only your bicep. (Make sure no one is looking at you when you do this, especially no hot chicks. This can be a little embarrassing.) Are you not able to budge it at all? Perfect! You have found the right weight! Congratulations.
Have a swing – Now that you have your dumbbells selected, you have to figure out a way to move them in a bicep curl-like motion. The best way to do this is to swing your arms and contort your body wildly using every muscle in your body that can aid in the process to get that dumbbell up to your shoulder and then back down. Did you do it? YES! See? You’re already building muscle. Just a second ago you couldn’t even budge that weight. Now you’re curling BIG TIME WEIGHT! Woooooo! Oh, before I forget … two things to remember. 1) No pain, no gain. You should start feeling some pain in your lower back while you’re swing the weight around. Fight through it; and 2) Morons at your gym will try to tell you that you shouldn’t swing the weights. First of all, they’re obviously jealous of how much you can curl. Secondly, OF COURSE you have to swing the weights! That gets them moving fast and trains your muscles. Think about it: do you want to do slow things with your biceps? Or fast things? And I mean cool fast things like twist open a bottle of Twisted Tea or punch a guy who’s trying to hit on the same chick you’re trying to hit on? Obviously it’s the fast things. So swing your weights as fast as you can. Get your back into it!
Every curl = 1 grunt – Grunt every time you lift a weight. Really loud. So loud that people around you stop and look. In admiration. Not only does grunting sound totally awesome, but the sound waves vibrate your muscles and put tiny tears in them, making them grow even bigger. This is true. I haven’t done a study yet to confirm it – I’ll have more time when I get promoted at the cell phone kiosk at the mall – but it just seems like common sense.
Be sweaty – Sweat is you getting rid of the weakness in your body. Sweat is you getting rid of the toxins. Sweat is you getting rid of the wimpy pussy juice. Make sure you have a good sweat going at all times! Sweat everywhere you can in the gym. And don’t use a towel! Having a towel under you gives you an unstable base. An unstable base leads to injury. I don’t care what the gym policy is on sweat and towels. They’ll obey your personal policy when they see your guns. Challenge the gym manager to a flex-off.
Adore the mirror – You’re totally not into dudes (RIGHT?! You better not be, nancy.). But see that guy in the mirror directly in front of you? The guy who looks exactly like you? The guy who is you? Yeah, he’s HOT. It’s okay to admit you’re a handsome man. Now flirt with yourself. Oh yeah. Keep looking. You’re ripped right now. Hot. And that last set only made you more ripped. When you get home you’re totally not going to be able to keep your hands off yourself.
Get hydrated – Water is important to making your muscles grow. Think of it as though you’re growing your biceps from a delicate, little dandelion into a huge redwood. A redwood made of cold, hard steel! So between every set you’re going to want to take a swig from your water bottle. Use this time to look through and around your water bottle at all the hot chicks in the gym. Whoa. Look at the rack on that one. I could do a whole bunch of high-repetition sets with her all night long … if you know what I mean. (I mean I want to have sex with her. But it would also be cool to workout with her.)
So that’s 9 steps. That list got a little long.
Maybe I can come up with an easy way to remember all those steps by pulling the first letter in each step and making a word out of it.
Let’s see … Do, Open, Use, Choose, Have, Every, Be, Adore, Get.
That spells … DOUCHEBAG.
Hmm. DOUCHEBAG. I’m not sure how to say that. Is that even a word?
Wait. I think that sounds like my nickname around the gym! Yeah, that’s it. DOUCHEBAG. Everyone always says to me “You’re such a douchebag.” Or: “Wipe up your sweat, douchebag, I’m not going to ask you again.”
Awesome. What a perfect coincidence.
So use the DOUCHEBAG method for building your biceps and soon you’ll be just like me! (If you're lucky.)