5 Tips for Properly Vandalizing an Athlete’s Property

Buffalo Bills kick returner Leodis McKelvin had his property vandalized this week after his late-game fumble led to the Bills' loss to the Patriots.
The vandals spray-painted some messages on McKelvin's lawn and then turned themselves in a few days later. Fail.
There is a right way and a wrong way for vandalizing an athlete's property. Here are 5 tips to do it the right way.
1. Be constructive with your criticism— Don't just spray paint "U SUCK" on their driveway. How will that fix anything? Give some helpful tips on how they can improve. Dump lye on their lawn in a pattern that will reveal the X's and O's of a winning play. Or, using the entrails of their family cat, spell out "Consider not returning a kick out of the end zone when you have a big lead late in the fourth quarter. Much appreciated!" (I've found the cat's tail and one eyeball is perfect for making the explanation point at the end.) The athlete you targeted won't be angry, he'll be appreciative of your help. (As no one likes cats.)
2. Sign your work — If you're angry enough to vandalize an athlete's property, you should be man enough to sign a name to it. But not your name. That's crazy. You'd get arrested doing that. No, sign the name of someone else you hate almost as much on the team. For example, if you spray paint: "U SUCK, LEODIS!" Below that you want to add: "Sincerely, Dick Jauron." This puts the lousy player on notice AND gets the other person arrested. Two birds with one stone. Also, this reminds me: if they have birds, stone them. It's fun and birds can't scratch you up like that stupid cat did.
3. Bring a ladder —The problem with many athletes — outside of the fact that they suck and make more money than you — is that their properties are gated. So it's hard to get on their property to vandalize it. Sure, you could scale the wall … but they're the professional athlete, not you. You're not strong enough to scale a wall. You're a fat, miserable fan.
4. Spread your venom — You need to focus on the athlete and his indiscretions, of course, but athletes get booed and ripped on talk radio all the time. They have pretty thick skin. What you want to do to really catch their attention is spread the hate around. Is the athlete married? Write something about his wife being fat and ugly. Then destroy his kids' swing set. Or just destroy his family altogether by writing something like "This is what you get for f—king my girlfriend!" Sure, you don't have a girlfriend. But now the cops will look for someone who does. You're free!
5. Run! Run! Run! — Did you just hear the front door open? I thought you said there weren't any lights on inside?! Ohmigod! If he catches us we're going to get whupped! Run! RUN! RUUUUUUNNNNNNN!