Existentialist Offensive Coordinator Implementing No-Huddle Offense

The Buffalo Bills have adopted the no-huddle offense in training camp thanks to the influence of offensive coordinator and noted existentialist Turk Schonert.
"We reject the structure and necessity of a huddle. We will not be defined by it," said Schonert. "We believe in nothingness. We have stripped ourselves of the huddle and we are free. Also, we think the no-huddle will allow us to dictate the pace of the game and put up some points."
Schonert, a former quarterback at Stanford, studied existential thinkers in a philosophy class at the university and says it has impacted his play-calling throughout his career as a coach.
"I have always identified with existentialism," he said. "But there is such an established structure in football, we are so defined by the huddle, that I could never break free of those limitations."
But then something spurred him to take that leap.
"I had to coach JP Losman," he said. "If that doesn't lead you to question the point of a huddle, to question the meaning of life as a whole, there is something wrong."
Head coach Dick Jauron doesn't care about Schonert's philosophical approach to football and life, he just wants to win games.
"I don't know the first thing about exit-whatever Turk talks about," he said. "It all sounds pretty fay to me. I just want to win. I need to win or I'll lose my job. Turk tells me that makes me a utili-something."
But while Schonert espouses the no-huddle, others are not so sure.
"As the German philosopher Herbert Marcuse said, existentialism projects anxiety and meaningless into all aspects of life," said new Bills receiver Terrell Owens. "And Marcuse's criticism was apt. We will be full of anxiety without the huddle, without talking through the play. And I fear this approach will only make Bills football more meaningless. I already didn't really want to play here."