Brainy Skank Only Trying To Bed Players With High VORP


Hillary Mitchell, an attractive 21-year-old political science major at Columbia University and a diehard baseball fan, says she has one thing and one thing only on her mind when trying to catch the eye of a major league player.
“Oh, yeah. If he has a high VORP, he’s getting my panties off,” says Mitchell. “Some girls are attracted to money, or looks or muscles. I’m a VORP girl.”
Value Over Replacement Player is the hot new measurement for major league players and a statistic Mitchell and other brainy baseball groupies use to target their prey.
“A few years ago, I only used to sleep with guys with good batting averages,” says Mitchell. “And I never, ever, ever would have sex with a guy who struck out a lot.”
But then Mitchell started reading about modern baseball talent evaluation and read the book “Moneyball.”
“My transformation started off slow,” said Mitchell. “I stopped doing the batting average guys, and only focused on players with good on-base percentages. From there I went to OPS guys. A couple of seasons ago, I probably slept with every hitter on the A’s and Red Sox rosters.”
And now?
“I’m a total VORP whore,” says Mitchell.
Mitchell says the two players who turn her on the most are Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez and Mets third baseman David Wright, last season’s major league VORP leaders. And she has already been with Wright.
“Oh, man,” says Wright. “Hillary really understands the game. All these VORP women do. They may not be the hottest girls, but they’re smart and they appreciate what you do on the field in a very genuine way. And as for Hillary, she’s pretty amazing in bed, too. Although it’s kind of weird that she screams out the names of ‘Billy Beane’ and ‘Bill James’ the whole time.”


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