Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn finally reported to training camp today after missing the first four days of camp. Quinn’s agent, Tom Condon, said his client was missing because he spent the last two weeks looking into his bathroom mirror, lost in his dreamy gaze.
“I really apologize to everyone for missing so much practice time,” said Quinn. “But I’m sure you all can understand what happened. I was on my way out for dinner, took one last look in the mirror on the way out the door and … well, all I can remember thinking is: ‘Damn, I look hot today.’ The next thing I remember, my agent knocked down my door and broke me out of my trance. Turns out I had been standing there in a beauty trance for two weeks.”
Condon says Quinn’s recollection isn’t entirely accurate.
“Yes, I did knock down the door and break him out of his trance and tell him to get to camp,” said Condon. “But between knocking his door down and breaking him out of his trance, I took the opportunity to stare at him myself for an hour or two. He’s that hot. And then I masturbated. Honest. And I’m not even gay. At least not for men other than Brady.”
Quinn said the first thing he will do upon arriving at camp is apologizing to his teammates for any problems he might have caused by being absent.
“I know me missing practice time as the potential starting quarterback may have been a big distraction to the team,” said Quinn. “But, to be honest, it may be even more of a distraction to have me here. Everyone will be gazing at me, lost in my eyes, checking out my muscles. I’m sure it will be hard for us to get anything accomplished on the field for a few days. And, you know, having not eaten for two weeks, I'm even more cut that normal, if you can believe that. I probably should wear one of those tinted helmet face shields just so part of the dreamscape that is my face is obscured. It will hurt the team, but it’s for their own good.”
Browns head coach Eric Mangini says he has ordered all reflective surfaces be removed from Browns camp in preparation for Quinn’s arrival.
“We can’t have him getting lost in his gaze all the time,” said Mangini. “We might even put a logo on our helmets so he can’t see his reflection on the blank orange exterior. Speaking of a blank orange exterior, Brady has an amazing butt that is totally tan.”