Ants: Are They On Steroids?

The power numbers are too good to be true. Ten to 50 times their weight. Really? Ants can carry that much? Okay. I'll buy that. It's been proven.
But can ants lift that much naturally? Pffft. Yeah, I don't think so.
Don't forget: we told ourselves we wouldn't be fooled again by eye-popping stats. Yet here we are again — this time giving ants a free pass.
Not on my watch.
Where's the proof, you ask? Where's the proof that ants are using PEDs? Well, it's in the same place the proof on Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Roger Clemens is kept: in our minds. In our common sense.
Those guys never tested positive for steroids and there is no picture or video of them injecting anything into their bodies. Yet we are all 99-percent sure they cheated.
With ants it should be 100-percent. For all the amazing feats that Bonds, McGwire and Clemens did on the field, could they lift 10 to 50 times their body weight? Some 2,250 to 11,250 pounds? Of course not. Not even close. Yet an ant will traipse across your picnic blanket holding a small pebble, just flaunting its strength. No remorse. No shame. No respect for the insects that came before it.
Yet you may wonder: "Why would ants cheat? What would they have to gain from it?" Oh, I don't know … ever hear of something called ANT FARMS??? Yes, ant farms. Thousands of children all across the country have ant farms in their bedrooms — where it's nice and warm and safe all year round. As though that's not more than enough impetus for an ant to leave its natural surroundings full of prey and dirt, where they are left to suffer through nature's winter, hard rains and intense heat. In an ant farm, in your children's room, all is well.
And therein lies the biggest problem: the children. Won't you consider the children? They are our biggest concern. We can't have these artificially-enhanced nuisances living amongst our most precious and innocent citizens, poisoning their values. There could be hundreds of these depraved insects in an ant farm upstairs in little Bobby or Suzy's room right now. Would you let the 1990s Texas Rangers stay in your child's room? Of course not. They sucked. And they were on a lot of steroids, too.
We're onto you ants! Do you hear us? Look at me and listen. Do you need me to hold up this magnifying glass so you can see me?
Oh … oh, this is awesome. They're smoking! I think I heard that one scream! Ha!
So maybe these steroids-using ants aren't our biggest problem. What we need to focus on first is building bigger magnifying glasses. And then I'm taking one to a major league baseball game.