Stewart saves his sport


No one wanted Stewart Cink to beat Tom Watson on Sunday. No one. Probably even Cink himself wanted to lose. (No way he wanted a picture taken that will outlive him while wearing that dreadful fluorescent green hat and shirt combo. Right? Right?!)
But by winning, Cink may have saved golf.
Think about it. Golf has John Daly. Golf has Craig Stadler. Golf has David Duval making a career resurgence after losing all of his muscle tone and gaining 60 pounds of fat. Golf has guys dressed in Dockers and wearing polo shirts buttoned all the way up. Golf has people like Davis Love III – guys who appear to be so uncoordinated, you worry they won’t be able to navigate a fairway without falling down; guys who found the sport only after being ostracized by both the glee and chess clubs at their private school.
It can be hard to make the case that golf is a sport played by real athletes.
Thankfully there is Tiger Woods. He is fit. He is built like an athlete. He does athletic things on the golf course. So while it may be true that you don’t have to be an athlete to play golf, you DO have to be an athlete to be great at golf. Right? Right. Tiger Woods settled it.
Only Tiger Woods played like crap at Turnberry and missed the cut. And then a 59-year-old man with wrinkles Robert Redford’s wrinkles find excessive was one par away from winning what is perhaps golf’s most revered championship.
Here is what I know about 59-year-old people:

  • they often smell like medicine
  • I am sickened when I overhear them talking about sex
  • they groan and grimace when bending over or getting out of chairs
  • their groaning and grimacing sickens me all the more because it causes me to imagine them having sex again
  • if they win your sport's championship, then what you have there is not a sport

So what did we learn there? (Other than that my imagination too-quickly goes to old people having sex.) As exciting as a win by Tom Watson would have been, it would have been impossible to ever make the case again that golf is a legit, athletic sport.
But luckily, as his sport was about to plummet off the cliff and into the Scottish sea, someone as young and hip and virile-looking as this guy came to rescue it.
Crap. Golf isn’t a sport, is it?


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