Roger Goodell bans war criminals from buying NFL tickets

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that anyone convicted of war crimes by an international tribunal will receive a one-year ban from buying tickets to an NFL game. "The NFL system of justice trumps the American system of justice and the international system of justice," said the commissioner. "I don't care how much hard time a person serves. Once they are released, they still have to answer to the National Football League for their sins. No one can avoid the strict punishment of the NFL. No one. I would advise Osama bin Laden to stay in the hole he crawled into." While the league's one-year ban for war criminals applies to regular season games, Goodell said bin Laden would also be banned from attending preseason games for a year.