Patriots Claim Tom Brady is as Healthy as Ever, Questionable

Although he suffered a serious knee injury less than nine months ago, the New England Patriots reported this week that star quarterback Tom Brady is as healthy as he ever has been. And they punctuated that point by saying that if the season started today, Brady would be listed on the team’s injury report as “Questionable.”
“It’s great to have Tom back to being a 50-percent chance to play,” said head coach Bill Belichick. “He looks outstanding. As good as he has ever looked. It really gives me a lot of hope for the season – hope, that is, that he can drag himself onto the field for our opener. I don’t know. We’ll see. I definitely think the Bills should spend time preparing for our backup to possibly start, too.”
While Brady’s knee is testing at 100-percent, the Patriots say that has no baring on his chronically and vaguely injured shoulder, elbow and ankle. And that’s not even taking into account other possible ailments.
“Of course, there could be some lurking health danger,” said Belichick. “A tumor, a blood vessel in his brain that is ready to burst, a suspicious mole. People think my use of the injury report makes a mockery of NFL rules. They think I’m giving the finger to the league. But I see it more as a reflection of my outlook on the fragility of life – that we all are delicate beings who must cherish each day. Or some f—king sh!t like that.”
But while the Patriots insist Brady is back to normal, those close to the team suspect otherwise.
“I have covered this team for years,” said beat writer Mike Lowell. “When it comes to injuries, I know to believe the opposite. So I think Tom Brady is not doing well at all. In fact, he may be dying. The Brady we saw the other day might have even been a look-alike to cover up that he’s already dead.”