Lingerie Football League Unfortunately Going to Use Offensive Linewomen

Lingerie Football League officials have insisted that they are serious about having a quality level of play ever since the league was announced earlier this year. And now we have the first evidence of that. The first wildly disappointing evidence.
“We are going to have hogs down in the trenches,” said league founder Mitchell Mortaza. “You better believe it. Big fatties fighting for every inch. That’s football, be it in lingerie or not. You may not be able to put lipstick on a pig, but you better put lingerie on one if you want to protect your quarterback and run the ball.”
Tammy Korolczec, a 5-foot-7, 319-pound guard for the Dallas Desire, says she is playing in the LFL because she loves football and therefore is willing to wear any uniform they give her.
“I tend more to loose-fitting men’s jeans and heavy sweatshirts in my day-to-day life,” she said. “But if I have to wrap my cellulite in lace to get out on the field and live my dream, I’ll do it.”
Dot Patterson, starting left tackle for the San Diego Seduction at 5-foot-5, 298 pounds, says serious football fans will recognize that just like in the NFL and college football, the true stars are at the line of scrimmage.
“The so-called ‘skill’ players wouldn’t get anywhere without us,” said Patterson. “On the football field and off. If it wasn’t for me opening up holes at the line of scrimmage, our ‘pretty’ running backs wouldn’t get any yardage. And if it wasn’t for women who looked like me out in public, do you really think guys would be attracted to these skin-and-bone bitches shot up with cellulite? No way. But their disgust over fat asses like me makes them over over-correct and go with the scrawny skanks.”
While the LFL is to be commended for its dedication to quality football, league founder Martaza says he has heard plenty of critics say the ratings will be terrible, as no one wants to watch half-naked obese women pushing and grunting against each other.
“I disagree. There is a very large chubby chaser population out there that is underserved. As for the rest, they can keep their eyes on the tits and ass we’ll have at the skill positions,” said Martaza. “But, trust me, few people will be honestly disgusted. I mean, who didn’t hooked up with a fatty or two in college, am I right? A few times I wasn’t even drunk. Anyone else? No?”