After years of providing detailed sports statistics to Major League Baseball, the NFL, NBA, NHL and many other sports leagues, the Elias Sports Bureau shut its doors today after finally receiving some sweet, sweet loving.
“You really think we would spend all this time finding out, say … who was the last player to hit three triples in a night game on the West Coast if we were getting any action?” said Elias president Jeff Meadows. “Of course not. We immerse ourselves in those short of pointless facts and figures to block out our sad personal lives. Trust me, I’d much rather keep track of how many hot women I’ve nailed.”
Meadows says he and his fellow Elias workers finally broke through last night at a company party.
“We have monthly parties planned around various sports stat themes,” said Meadows. “Last night’s theme was 100-yard rushing games in which there was more than 1-inch of snow on the ground. It was crazy fun. Anyway, after a few Michelobs – which, by the way, was the official beer of the NHL from 1974 to 1983 – we learned that one of our interns was actually a female. We had all thought he – I mean, she – was male because she didn’t really have any distinguishing body characteristics. She was just kind of lumpy.”
And after the Elias employees moved on from Michelobs to Miller Lites – the official light beer of the NFL from 1987 to 1996 – the intern agreed to have sex with all of her co-workers.
“The guys were real sweet talkers,” said the intern, Cris Johnson. “They started spouting off the top 20 ERA leaders from 1913 and naming the entire Quebec Nordiques roster from 1970. Needless to say, that got me pretty hot and then one thing led to another. I’m just sad that what happened put an end to the Elias Sports Bureau. How will we know now who is the all-time leader in intentional walks in the rain?”
But Meadows says the Elias Bureau is most definitely going out of business.
“I can’t imagine going back to that after finally being with a woman,” he said. “Not that I’m done with doing research forever, though. That’s still a part of me and I love doing it. For example, I’m planning to research where you actually put it in a woman. I think I may have put it in the crease behind her knee. That probably doesn’t count.”