I am sorry. But our relationship is over. I enjoyed our time as a couple, but I don't think there is a future for us.
Know that I will always think of you fondly. As proof of that, I wrote this note on a napkin — as I can guess you're already well into a box of donuts after reading the first few sentences and probably need to wipe some jelly or powdered sugar off your lips. You're welcome.
If you are still reading and this part of the napkin note hasn't been covered over by a smear of chocolate frosting, I want you to know that you are a great girl, Jessica. To paraphrase your father, who I think put it best: You are just a sexy girl. Put you in a t-shirt or a bustier, you're sexy in both. You've got double-Ds! You can't cover those suckers up!
I just wish that was enough.
Tell your creepy father goodbye for me.
And please don't get too fat in case I decide I want to get back together with you.
Dear Jessica …