New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick called his star quarterback this morning to urge him to abort his child with model Gisele Bundchen for financial reasons.
“Decisions like these have to be made with your heart, not your head,” Belichick told Tom Brady. “I know. I have experience with this kind of thing. You can’t always make the popular decision. A kid costs way above its true value – they contribute almost nothing for several years – and are not worth a long-term investment. I see children as sort of Troy Brown in even tinier forms.”
Brady said he values his head coach’s opinion and guidance in all areas, and will take his latest advice under serious consideration.
“Bill has gotten rid of some players I really liked during my time with the Patriots,” said Brady. “A lot of the moves I didn’t initially agree with, but they turned out to be the right decisions in the end. That’s how this would probably be. I’d like to have a child and meet it and help raise it, but that’s an emotional viewpoint, not a rational one. Now I just need to get Gisele to agree to an abortion. And I really hope she does, because if she says no, Bill will think I’m controlled by a woman and will think less of me.”
Belichick stressed to his quarterback that his own experience with children makes his suggestion to abort one to be listened to.
“Are kids nice to have around sometimes? Sure,” said Belichick. “But what is life about – success, or superficial happiness? I’d love to have a fun locker room and a fun home, but it means nothing if you’re not winning.”
And while Belichick says he mostly has Brady’s well-being in mind, he admits he wants the child aborted for selfish reasons, too.
“I’ve seen a lot of careers go in the crapper when people have kids,” said Belichick. “And if Brady starts playing like poorly, that reflects on me and I won’t put up with that. If he has this kid, the next thing I know he’ll be coming to practice with pictures to show and interrupting drills to talk about how his stupid little kid can roll over now or something. I hate listening to that sh-t. It makes me want to puke.”
But no matter what happens, Brady says his coach will support him.
“He told me to abort it, yes,” said Brady. “But he was also happy to hear I had gotten another woman pregnant. He said that he long had a hunch that I was a ‘homo’ – to use his words – because of the way I dress and that he’d ‘rather not have one of those kind on his team.’”