Athlete Breaks Up With His Mistress Out of Respect for His Wives

Admitting that he was spooked by the recent deaths of athletes Steve McNair and Arturo Gatti – both allegedly at the hands of a woman close to them – Houston Texans linebacker Marco Battier informed both of his wives that he will no longer stray outside the holy bounds of marriage.
“It’s time I grow up and stop being so selfish,” said Battier. “It was hard for me to admit that I had a mistress. But I think both of my wives appreciated my honesty. They said they had suspected I was seeing someone else. They’re not stupid.”
Battier told his first wife, Marcia, yesterday morning at a restaurant brunch. After a heated discussion and some tears, they had make-up sex in his Escalade. He then dropped Marcia off at home and told her he had to go to the gym – but first went to the condo of his second wife, Lindsey. There he had sex with her first, told her about his girlfriend, gave her some jewelry and had more sex. He then left for the gym, as he had promised Marcia he would.
“It hurt me, but I feel better knowing for sure,” said Marcia. “I feel a lot closer to him now. Not as close as I’d like – there still is a distance there. I still don’t see him as much as I’d like. But this is definitely an improvement.”
Now that he no longer has a girlfriend, Battier hopes he can start being the upstanding man he has always wanted to be.
“I need to be better,” he said. “I have kids. I can’t be out cheating on their mothers, my wives. That’s why I had to get rid of the girlfriend. And that’s why I’m so excited to have a new, third secret wife.”