“...darned funny stuff...hilarious...dare...the” - On Frozen Blog

“...I am laughing so hard that I can barely breathe...of...has...are” - Sports Frog

“...great for beaches...moderately pleasing for fishing...poor for spelunking” – Cracked

“...The best $12.95 you will ever spend on a DJ Gallo book...” - Mondesi’s House

“...our staff recommends...” - Kissing Suzy Kolber
[Heh. They said “staff.”]

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt changed out of his trademark gold shoes and into bronze shoes today for the Olympic semifinal heat of the 200m.
“Despite the preening, seemingly egotistical show I put on after I won the 100m final, I actually suffer from very low self-esteem,” said Bolt. “I do all of that to put up a front and mask my crushing lack of self-confidence.”
So Bolt decided to throw out his gold shoes and put on a pair in bronze.
“Honestly, I would be ecstatic to get bronze,” he said. “I fully expect to be last. By a lot. I am terrible. I see my feet as cast in bronze – heavy and slow. I suck that bad. The only thing that makes me get out of bed every day and run at all is that I’m hoping to run out of my pathetic body and into another life or another world. I am hopeless. I wish I was dead.”

While proud of its role in providing jobs to many members of the U.S. Olympic team, Home Depot representatives admit they are currently paying the price for allowing their employees to go to Beijing.
“Our softball team is really sucking wind right now,” said CEO Frank Blake. “We were 27-0 until Beijing, then all of our best athletes went over there. Now we can’t win a game and our in danger of losing the top seed in the playoffs.”
Lowe’s is now on Home Depot’s tail and even 84 Lumber could pass them in the standings. Blake says he hopes to have his team back intact by the middle of next week.
“Some of them are already making their way back and should play in our game tomorrow night against Ace Hardware,” he said. “And the rest should be ready for next week’s games. I just hope Jennie Finch doesn’t wear out her arm over there.”

Pleased with the strong ratings of the “Summer Olympics,” NBC executives have decided to order a full season of the sports-themed show.
[FULL STORY]

The first-ever 100x4 relay at the Summer Olympics was met with mixed reactions today after the opening heats.
“It’s great to get so many more athletes involved – 96 more than in the regular relays,” said IOC president Jacques Rogge. “That format really stresses teamwork. But it looked a bit muddled out there with all of the constant handoffs.”
U.S. sprinter David Gant, who runs the integral 51^st leg in the 100x4, said that despite winning the preliminary heat, he didn’t have his best race.
“The handoff wasn’t clean from the guy before me – I can’t remember his name,” said Gant. “And then after that, I never really seemed to get up to top speed. I only felt like I was just getting going by the time I got to the next runner. But, hey, it’s the Olympics and I’m glad to be here.”

NEW FOR AUGUST 15!

This cannot be disputed: a benevolent dictator is the best form of government. And short of a benevolent dictator, I’ll take a smart dictator. This is where China has us beat. They will not let ugly little girls represent their country in front of the entire world. They let the girl who can sing, sing; and the girl who is attractive, be attractive. Here we try to say that everyone is equal in everything. We tell uggers that they are as attractive as the attractive. And we tell the attractive that they have real, ugger-like talent. It is absurd. And isn’t that true Communism? Trying to make everything equal? The Chinese have it right. They allow everyone to do what they do best. You can sing well? Fantastic. We will support you in that and compensate your for it. We will record your voice. But, please, keep out of sight. That is why someday, in the not too distant future when China attacks us and takes us over, I will welcome their invasion. Because they will do it the right way. Their soldiers will be masked, skilled and ruthless. But their most visible general will be a hot chick. And we will all welcome her because we will all want to do her.

[READ MORE]